After it all
by invisible ink reboot
Summary: A couple of chapters that came to me after Lexa's death in 307. Hope you like.
1. After

I can hear Murphy wrenching at the doors desperately trying to get out. I hear him shout out in frustration. It is muffled on the edge of my consciousness I cannot seem to pull my eyes away from the bed drenched in ...drenched in black.

Oh god it's her blood. I feel my knees buckle and fall to the ground. None of this seems real. Maybe Murphy turns around... He must do because he is suddenly at my side. I feel him crouched down beside me as if he is approaching a wounded animal. I feel his hands on my shoulder.

Somewhere from far away I hear a voice. It takes moments to realise it is mine..."it was so pointless " I whisper. My throat is not working, it is constricted with the pain of not crying. "Her death meant nothing" I choked out because somewhere under it all that is the horror that consumes me.

Lexa was special. She was extraordinary and her death was so ordinary so pointless.

Murphy sucks in his breath. " Clarke I know you want to fall apart right now but you can't we have to get out."

I shake my head I can't leave. If I move from this place then that moment will be real and it will all be over at the same time. If I leave this room I will have to force everything I feel down inside of me. All of the problems that have existed since we arrived will be worse because now we are not safe.

"The next commander will protect you" Lexas voice echoes in my head. I shake my head softly. If Lexa is not here no one can guarantee our protection. Blood must not have blood will be dead and everyone will die. Blood will have blood once again. But if I just stay here I can stay with Lexa with my memories of her. I put my head on my arms and I cry. Rasping sobs.

"Fuck" I hear Murphy say. His hand finds my head, placed with care he squeezes once and then he is In front of me wrenching my head up. I desperately pull my head away.

"Clarke!" He slaps me once across the face and the pain pulls me back my eyes meet his. "We are all going to die if you do not get a grasp on reality. The alien commander..."

My breath hitches

He stops "Lexa...she is dead Clarke...she is gone..."

"The dead are gone and the living are hungry" I mutter.

"Yeah sure however you want to put it." He releases me and stands up. "I was here Clarke I was here when that maniac in a dress was chasing you around the room with a gun. I told him he prayed to garbage and you talked Lexa into changing everything. What do you think they are going to do to us once they know she is dead? So get the hell up!"

"But her death was pointless" I sob "what's the point Murphy? Everyone just keeps getting killed. No matter what I do everyone keeps dying."

" Go float yourself Clarke. The point is I don't want to die! The point is her death might have been pointless but her life wasn't! So get up and help me get out of here and then we can have this philosophical bullshit discussion if you want!" I could feel him approaching in a rush of energy and he wrenched me to my knees.

"I swear to you Clarke if you help me get out of here I will make sure her death wasn't pointless. That thing in her neck it came from us from the 13th station we are all connected all of us. I promise I will help you make everyone see that I promise I will make her death have meaning but you have to get up!"

"Your legacy will be peace". I had promised her that. Somewhere through all the pain; all the fog in my brain; all the desolation; that thought crystallised in my mind. I held onto that thought. It resonated through me.

I grabbed the chair that Murphy had been tied to and hurled it against the window. It gave way. "Let's go! We have to get to Arcadia to warn them" Murphy said half out the window already.

"Go" Clarke said to Murphy "but I am staying here." My eyes glance back to the bed "I need to be here. I need to. I can't leave her." I can feel the strength of my words. I have no idea where it comes from this conviction but I know I cannot leave her. Not yet. I need to see her again. It is a need which burns. It scorches me. Even if it is just to kneel before her body. I just need to see her once more. I force down a sob. It doesn't matter that she will not smile at me. That her eyes won't light up when she sees me. God her eyes. The thought almost fells me again. A swooping sickness. Her eyes. I will never see her eyes again. Stop! Stop! I force myself to breathe. Focus Clarke.

"This is insane. This is a really bad plan. But fine if your staying I'm staying. I am not leaving you alone here with all these crazies about." Murphy shakes his head.

"Why?" Clarke asked.

"Because you are my best hope of getting out of this alive. All of this fucked up mess. I heard her she said the next commander will protect you. Well let's hope they do because that is the only thing that will save us."

Clarke knelt and picked up the gun. She turned to look at the blood once again. Her body was broken apart. Shattered. Irreparable. But she would go on. She would make sure Lexa's legacy was peace. She would do the right thing for both of their people. She climbed silently out of the window and into the night following Murphy.

"Where to Princess?" He asked her.

"To the conclave. I need to speak to Aden. Lexa said he would probably be the next commander. I need to hold him to a promise he once made."

"Great. So into the Lions den it is then". Clarke nodded once and they moved off into the darkness towards the light and the chanting they could hear.

"My spirit will live on" - Heda


	2. Saying Goodbye

"You can not enter. The conclave is in session." Roan said.

"Not the person I was looking for." Clarke looked at the Prince who had once dragged her across miles of grounder territory bringing her to Lexa. Bringing her to Lexa to save her from the ice queen.

"I had to make sure Wanheda did not fall into the hands of the ice queen" Lexa had said with such meaning. I had a thought at that moment when I met her eyes. I thought she was thinking of Costia. She wouldn't let me be another Costia. She had made a deal to save me. All my other memories had been drowned out by blind fury when she has said "I need you Clarke". Fury which had kept me apart from Lexa for weeks, for months when I had ran away to the forest. Why didn't I forgive her sooner? Why had I wasted all that time? God Lexa how am I going to live without you?

She met Roan's eyes. What she saw there took the breath from her lungs. Pity.

"I am sorry Clarke". He means it. I can tell. He means it.

I hold up my hand to stop him. He is going to keep speaking and I can't hear it. I need to focus.

"Come on" I feel Roan's hand on my arm pulling me with him.

"Oi! Get your hands off her" I see Murphy advancing on Roan. "I said let her go Grounder!". Roan spun so fast his fist connecting with Murphys face. Murphy fell back.

"Stop!" I shout as Murphy lunges again at Roan. "Just stop...please".

Roan and Murphy nod releasing each other. Roan looks directly at me "I'm taking you to her."

I understand and my feet follow. One in front of another. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe.

We enter a room with two guards there. Leave I think silently just leave.

Roan speaks to them gently. They shake their heads and Roan speaks to them again harsher this time. I can hear the low hissing. Finally he must be convincing. I see a flash of metal. They nod and leave.

Murphy is still here I can feel him at my shoulder. But all I can see is her. She is on an altar wrapped in cloth. Candles burn all around her. It's almost peaceful.

Roan moves to my other shoulder and he kneels with me as I slump to my knees my hands reaching for Lexa. There is no hand to catch mine and it hits me. She is gone. Wherever she is she is not here. I sit back on my heels and the tears stream silently down my face.

I look at Clarke and I see raw pain. The rawness of it hurts. It hurts to look at her. There is something so exposed there, so honest, so human. The moment when he had met her all those months ago he had felt a connection a similarity with her. He knew Wanheda and he knew Clarke. When she had knelt before the Commander she was Wanheda a leader, a protector of her people. He had made a decision in that moment as he had watched her kneel before Heda. He had made a decision to support the alliance. He had knelt and bowed before Lexa. He had caused the ripple effect, all others followed him, like a crashing wave they had all sunk to their knees. He had watched as Lexa's eyes had fixed only on Clarke and he knew in that moment that this woman would have a say in his destiny. The reverence with which Heda had looked at Clarke told him one thing: Clake was special. He had seen that look on Heda's face only once before. Yet it had been a pale reflection of the look she had burned upon Wanheda.

But here he was seeing Clarke. The woman not the leader. He needed Clarke for his plan to succeed. "Lexa was special Clarke. Do you know why I was banished from my people?"

Clarke shook her head once.

"My mother captured Costia. She tortured her and then she killed her. Heda...Lexa demanded my exile in return for her life. I think at that moment she knew there was a better way. Blood must not have blood".

Clarke nods once again. "She loved you Clarke." The words hang between them.

My eyes don't leave Lexa's body. That's why I...that's why you're you. I had known in that moment she loved me. In all honesty it had terrified me. This was the woman who had made me plunge a knife into Finns heart, who had abandoned me to die, who had given me no choice but to cause genocide and who had as recently as yesterday put a kill order on my people. Yet she was also the woman who had knelt before me, who had not flinched as I held a knife at her throat, I am sorry. The Woman who had fought to defend her throne to keep me safe. The Woman who had trusted me enough to change a whole way of life- blood must not have blood. The Woman who had trusted me to make the same choice with Emerson. The Woman who had loved me with such all consuming faith and passion. The loss of her was a chasm. I feel at this moment as if I might never find words to speak again.

"If Ontari is the next commander she will protect you Clarke. You have my promise." My brain struggles to process this. Why? The question must flit across my face as he answers my unasked question.

"Lexa lifted my banishment and made me King. I do not forget a debt. She loved you Clarke. She changed a world to protect you. We will finish what she started no matter who the commander is."

"Thank you." My voice is staccato. "Please can I be alone with her." I feel rather than see Murphy and Roan nod and leave. Murphy squeezes my shoulder.

I look at Lexa. I speak into the darkness. "I don't know what you were Lexa. Whether that AI was you or you were it or you were both each other. You told me death is not the end. Yet you are not here. You've left me" I choke out between sobs.

I sob until I feel like I will vomit. My chest is heaving and my breath is hard to catch.

Don't be afraid Clarke. My head snaps up. Was that real? No. Lexa is gone. But it has a calming effect on me those words, those memories. I close my eyes and focus on Lexa's eyes. The emotion in those eyes used to pin me in place. They used to reach my soul. There is one thing they always told me: "I love you". Even when she was screwing me over her eyes always told me "I love you". She had no choice; not really and yet she chose to love me; to die for me. I am so sorry Lexa that I never told you. I hope I showed you in that hour how much I loved you. I hope you knew.

Your fight is over. But I will keep fighting for you. I will never stop. Not until I die. Death is not the end you told me more than once. I hope with all my being that is true. To be honest I never believed in reincarnation I never really believed in anything other than science. And in a way your soul is science. It is all so confusing. But if there is something after death I swear I will find you when my time comes.

Don't be afraid you said. But I am terrified Lexa. Terrified of doing this without you. I used to be Clarke. Then I met you and I became a million things. I became stronger because of you and I became Wanheda. But I would give anything just to be Clarke again. To have you again.

But you will not die in vain. I will not let that happen. I will do everything in my power to make your legacy one of peace so if I meet you again I can tell you blood must not have blood survived you. I will tell you it became your legacy.

I push myself up into a kneeling position and then onto my feet. My hand reaches for your head and I lean down until my mouth is as close as possible to your head. And I whisper "I swear fealty to you Lexa cum tree kru. I will treat your needs as my needs and your people as my people. I will bring them peace."

I press a kiss to her lips "I love you. May we meet again". I turn away then pushing the grief; the feelings everything deep inside of me. Locking Lexa away. Her flame, her purpose settled in my chest, warming me. Your fight is over Lexa but it continues with me. I stride out to meet Murphy and Roan and all the problems that rest with them.

"What's the plan?" Murphy asks.

"We are going to kill Pike, save our friends and live in peace" I replied.

"Piece of cake then. Shouldn't take longer than a few hours" Murphy drawls back.

I smile and catch Roan out of the corner of my eye trying not to smirk. "Roan send word as soon as we know who the next commander is. May we meet again" I say offering my arm to him. He grasps it nods and echoes the words.

"I need to prove to Octavia I am the person she thinks I am. Let's go. " Clarke turns and starts towards the stables to take the fastest horse that was prepared for her by Titus hours ago. Before everything changed.


End file.
